Quality political discourse has grown rare

It’s election season again.

We will listen to self-righteous bigoted idiots spout crap at us. Then, we’ll decide which one we’d like to elect to run our country for the next four years. We’ll listen to our friends and families go at each other’s necks like they’re in the Hunger Games, fighting over issues that rarely matter. In the end, they’ll have zero say in which issues make the cut and which don’t.

So Romney thinks he has magical underwear? Bill Clinton thought his skid marked underbritches were worth two bucks a pop and that little debaucher balanced the budget. And Obama ate dogs as a child. I’ve woken up to barking a morning or two, bleary-eyed and a bit hungry, and I’ll admit that the thought has crossed my mind.

Quality political discourse has grown rare, and the candidates aren’t concerned about actual issues. Also: everyone is fucking stupid.

Let’s begin with the Conservatives. You Bible-thumping introverts extol capitalism and the free market — Congratulations! In order for your system of economics to work we need only to rely on everyone to be greedy at all times and without fail, and in that I have complete confidence in the American people. But despite your ironic yet functional insistence on economic Darwinism, you persist in propagating needless restrictions on social issues that the government has no business meddling with.

“But homosexuals are destroying the moral fabric of society,” you say.

  1. No they aren’t.
  2. I don’t care.
  3. Marriage stopped being a religious thing the second you got tax breaks for it.
  4. I thought you were all about freedom.

If I hear one more Baptist preacher tell me how taking the words “Under God” out of the pledge is against everything we stand for as a country, I will stab my own eardrums with a rusty spork. We’re supposed to have freedom of religion, which includes freedom to be irreligious, and you added that to the pledge in 1954 anyway, so don’t pretend it’s always been there.

Now, buckle up Liberals. I’m coming for you next. Like the Conservatives, you get a few things right. Gay rights for one thing. When it comes to social issues you seem to want the government out of everything as much as possible, and that’s glorious, give yourself a pat on the back. So why is it that when it comes to anything concerning money you’re so damnably dense? The politicians on both sides are so full of it that if you gave them a dose of laxatives you could shove them all into a duffle bag with room to spare, and you’re telling me you want them to be in charge of our healthcare money? If I show up at a hospital bleeding out, they have to fix me regardless if I can pay already. Welfare is already out of control; I have relatives who live off welfare — they haven’t worked a day in twenty years and they just bought a new Dodge Challenger which my friends with college degrees can’t even afford.

It’s not all white and black. There are many beliefs aligned with both political parties. Its unfathomable that you even portend to align yourself completely with one side or the other. It’s unlikely you thought every issue through and that you would agree with everything any one party believes. You confidently defend viewpoints that you don’t understand. I’m sick of hearing it.

And the icing on the cake?  You’re making me into one of you.