NCAA bans Alabama from National Championship Games, Feels Sorry for Everyone Else

Division I schools across the country let out a collective sigh of relief last weekend when the NCAA released its most recent change in legislation. Starting immediately, all NCAA-sanctioned sports at the University of Alabama will not be allowed to compete in their respective national championship games, a decision made not so much in response to the university’s fourth title this year and sixth over the past three, but in response to the whines and tears of every other eligible school, Auburn University in particular.

Dr. Mark A. Emmert, NCAA president since October 2010, prefaced his announcement by recalling the dire circumstances behind his hire.

“Months before I inherited this role, we could already sense the Tide’s upcoming domination. Months later, they won the college football national championship. A year later, they won the women’s gymnastics national championship. Two years later, they won both championships again and claimed women’s golf and softball to boot. Next year they’re projected to win every single athletic event a university can possibly win.

“For the sake of schools like Oklahoma State and LSU that just aren’t good enough, and because they paid me to mention them in this presser, schools like Auburn that aren’t good at all, the NCAA has made the decision to eliminate Alabama from claiming another and most likely every other national title.”

In response to how long this sanction will last, Emmert said, “until whatever day Nick Saban and Sarah Patterson retire.”

This comes as no surprise to the college sports community, especially those who have followed the NCAA’s not-so-discreet recent attempts to hold back the Tide. This absolute ban on Alabama can be considered Plan B to the NCAA’s failed Plan A, referred to as “$cam Newton, Pay 4 Play lolz” in Gene Chizik’s newly-uncovered personal diary. By eventually shopping the now off-the-hook Carolina Panther to the least likely championship contender in 2011 (as opposed to every other year), by allowing him to play even in the midst of obvious and terrible scandal, and by awarding him the Heisman trophy despite knowingly contradicting its “integrity clause,” which was installed as a direct response to Reggie Bush’s much less notorious offense, the NCAA thought Alabama would lose at least some steam with the seeming emergence of another program, much less from their little brother down the road.

In short, they didn’t. Full steam ahead –

That was the plan, anyway, until the Tide’s foretelling performance at A-day ironically drove the final nail in their coffin.

Bryant Denny Stadium at the University of Alabama.

The NCAA considered alternate plans, though they all shared the same outcome. Skip Bayless’s plan garnered some attention, but his call for Tim Tebow to sing the national anthem before the title game dispelled nearly all support he somehow managed to grab in the first place. Even the SEC, coming off its sixth football championship in a row and fully expecting Alabama to win its next ten billion, could not escape the pressure of housing a college sports powerhouse. Fervently led by the logically unstable Les Miles, the famed conference proposed a law that would allow Bama to play in the championship game but give the title to the other team regardless of who actually wins. Emmert and the NCAA excused this strategy, saying that, “It’s not the actual title that upsets other college athletic programs. It’s watching Alabama blow opponents completely out of the water that breaks their spirits.”

And of course, the BCS playoff format gained more than enough momentum to change the face of college football, but when Alabama’s reign significantly began to exceed well beyond just one sport, the BCS and NCAA mutually agreed to stop beating around the bush and simply do what the playoff format was hoped to do – disallow the Tide from even more wins on record.

“Other programs can finally hold their heads up high,” Emmert later said. “Alabama has and will always have the greatest programs in college sports history, but at least now other schools can theoretically pretend otherwise.”