Burglar leaves home spotless, Messy family traumatized

Tragedy struck one local family as they returned from a weeklong vacation to a nearly immaculate home. Doug Martin told police that he and his wife recognized signs of trouble even before setting foot in their house, when upon pulling into their driveway, the familiar sound of running over their son’s bicycle was nowhere to be found.

While the time date and time of the break-in cannot be accurately placed, police believe the burglary occurred during the concluding days of the family’s vacation, given that the proper amount of time hadn’t passed for dust to settle on the home’s newly wiped surfaces.

Investigators found that a suspect apparently shattered a smudgy window to gain entry into the house before replacing the broken pane with a better, much cleaner sheet of glass. The old window’s shards were found by a nearby dumpster, not inside it with the rest of the family’s freshly deposited trash but in a separate bag nearby clearly marked “RECYCLING.”

The couple reported $725 worth of valued garbage thrown away, including several high-end disposal cameras, the box their Xbox came in, video game and DVD shrink wrap, and a PC. The burglar did not limit his cleaning spree to just the living room, however, and also organized the family’s bedrooms, throwing out such valuables like years worth of painstakingly hand-written to-do lists that never got done, 134 beer-stained Bama football shakers, and a half-eaten box of the now discontinued Cheesy Sour Cream & Onion Cheez-Its among others. An additional $125 worth of liquor was steam-cleaned off the carpet.

But more precious than those lost stains are the memories that went with them. Billy Martin, the family’s 29-year old only child, gave reporters a glimpse of his devastation in a moment of reminiscence, saying, “The clutter was my playground – an ocean of trash and unidentifiable fluids. What do I have now? A pristine desert. I’m lost, man. Just lost.”

When they thought the damage couldn’t get any worse, tragedy struck again as later in the day, their reportedly missing vehicle turned up at the local gas station, freshly vacuumed, waxed, and tuned up while reeking of that brand new car smell that everyone hates so much.

The Martin family did have a security camera installed, but the majority of the burglary occurred before the suspect chiseled the grime off its lens. Still, investigators were able to create a description based on the limited video evidence.

They believe the suspect is a bald Caucasian male in his early 50s with fluffy white eyebrows. He was wearing a plain white, short-sleeved t-shirt and a gold hoop earring on his left earlobe, with sparkling blue eyes, a dazzling smile, and a smokin’ hot body. The suspect left behind what is being referred to as a “magic eraser.”

If you have any information about this burglary or any other crime, why haven’t you called the police yet? I shouldn’t have to tell you. Gosh.