The Naked Guy: A Magnificently Awkward True Story

Have you seen the “Naked Man” episode of How I Met Your Mother? Basically, guy invites girl over and gets naked, and the point is to get laid. But it only works two out of three times. Anyway, a guy did that to me in real life. It was partly my fault, but hey, it makes for an entertaining story.

My sophomore year, I met this guy. We’ll call him Jake. We were in the same organic chemistry lab, and we occasionally studied and worked on lab reports together. As we became better friends, I realized that we had a lot in common. Quickly, I became very comfortable around him.

One Friday night, Jake invited me over to his apartment to hang out. So I went. Now, you might be thinking, “Why in the world would she go to a guy’s place when she barely knows him?” The truth is, I felt completely safe. I felt confident that, should I find myself in a tricky situation with him, I could easily get out of it.

The night started off really well. We watched a couple of movies and talked. Close to 2am, Jake told me I could stay the night if I wanted, so I was said yeah, I’ll probably just crash here. His offer might have made someone else feel uncomfortable, but I didn’t feel awkward about it. I was tired and didn’t want to have to drive back home this late.

I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, Jake was under the covers. He wasn’t when I left. But I just thought he probably put some pajamas on or something and got under the sheets. So I climbed in bed next to him. My feet brushed against his legs, and I realized it didn’t feel like they had pants on them. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed that he had boxers on. So I asked him, “did you take your pants off?” And he replied, “Yes….How could you tell?”

As soon as he said that, I KNEW. I just KNEW I was in bed with a naked guy. And my mind froze. I was absolutely not expecting that. For a good thirty seconds, I couldn’t form a coherent thought. It was like several atomic bombs went off in my brain at the same time, and it took me a while to gather the dripping pieces of my gray matter back together. The first fragmented thought I was able to grab hold of after the nuclear devastation of my brain told me to scoot away, so that’s of course what I did. I should have left right then, but I was kind of morbidly curious about whether he would actually try anything, or if that would be it.

So I asked him to put some pants on. He agreed to, but instead of discreetly getting out of bed, he climbed over me so that I couldn’t help but see everything. And honestly, I just really didn’t want to see that. It wasn’t necessary. The only reason I could think of for his blatant nakedness was to get laid. I think he was a little disappointed when he realized that was not going to happen.

In spite of the nude incident, I stayed. And in the morning he made breakfast for me, then unceremoniously turned me out. If “The Naked Man” only works two out of three times, I’m a little curious as to what happened to the next girl he got to stay the night.