Celebrities Take the Hit for Students

Rodney Jenkins used to use drugs. Now Russell Crowe does them for him.

The 19-year old Sellers University sophomore was charged with possession of cocaine during the Spring semester of his freshman year and faced up to a year in prison – that is, until he joined the inaugural class of CSR, or Celebrity Surrogate Rehabilitation, a program spearheaded by Sellers University Professor Robert Lowell.

“This is an innovative approach to dealing with our growing drug problem,” Professor Lowell said in a press statement. “Mr. Jenkins and Mr. Crowe are pioneers.”

They are also now technically the same person. Under this program, Crowe takes cocaine instead of Jenkins. As his life progressively worsens, Jenkins is able to monitor what would have happened if the program had not redirected the drug usage.

“It’s kind of like an episode of Scared Straight,” an alert, focused Jenkins said. “Russell said he planned to cover every physical and emotional scenario possible. He said he was taking one for the team.”

Crowe is one of several celebrities who have expressed through the CSR Creed that their “star power is most effectively channeled when used as an example for normal people who face extraordinary struggles.”

“If that involves taking drugs, then so be it,” Crowe said in between incoherent moments. “I’m willing to make that sacrifice.”

Lowell is confident that Jenkins will be positively impacted by seeing someone as “monumentally invincible” as Crowe be humbled by the everyday drug usage he was engaged in.

“Russell was very cooperative,” he said. “We all hated to ask him to do such a thing, but he accepted the offer with grace and enthusiasm – for helping kids.”

At the moment, the program is pulling students from its current offenders registry, but it is accepting applications from B-and-higher-list celebrities. Insiders close to Lowell leaked the names of several high-profile candidates, including Lindsay Lohan, currently under consideration.

“OMG what an opportunity I have def done drugs and would do them again for like a good cause #excited,” Lohan tweeted.

Lowell indicated that the self-destructive starlet may be under consideration but declined to comment further. He did reveal, however, that public affection for the celebrities factored into the decision.

“It’s tough for these celebrities to come out of their busy creative lives and be required to take drugs,” he said. “I was surprised at how enthusiastic several people we approached have been. It’s such a tough and unpleasant thing.”

Jenkins agreed that it was a big sacrifice for his current surrogate, or “Russ,” but also confessed that the program required emotional sacrifice from him as well.

“It will be tough to watch the guy from ‘Gladiator’ tank his life,” he said. “But it’ll probably be better than the other celebrity who was available – one of the women from ‘Golden Girls,’ I think.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/stephen.allen.353 Stephen Allen

    Good idea